Sean's Rants

Thanksgiving is a wonderful holiday filled with tradition, fellowship, and gratitude. It reminds us all of something we should engage in on a daily basis, thanks. I will gratefully be spending the day with friends sharing a meal, laughs, and some damn fine beverages.

Among many things, I will be thankful for the right to be a snarky curmudgeon from time to time. Now is one of those times. Allow me to share the things that make me shiver on Thanksgiving Day.

Sweet Potatoes with Marshmallows. I know that this is a staple on many tables from coast to coast. The simple thought of this dish makes me ill. What about the word “sweet” is so misunderstood? In most every other context when a food or drink is prefaced with “sweet” it’s a strong indicator that the product is sweet! However, when it comes to sweet potatoes (which are scandalously underutilized the other 364 days of the year) many turkey-day cooks read the word sweet and instantly forget it as if they were hypnotized. The spell is so deep that many recipes call for drenching the sweet potatoes in brown sugar and/or maple syrup before topping with the offending marshmallows. Put this dish on my table and expect violence…

(canned) Cranberry Sauce. At its face cranberry sauce is not a bad thing as cranberries are a great food item and very much underappreciated. The tragedy component is revealed in the execution and presentation of the cranberry sauce. First the execution: this involves the use of a common household tool known as a can opener, that is by the way the most bacteria laden implement in your kitchen. The can opener is necessary as most people have never touched a cranberry and know it only as a canned gelatin-like product or as a tasty beverage. If not for the Cosmopolitan the cranberry would be completely foreign to the 20-something clubbing set. Second, the presentation: fortunately for many canned cranberry sauce aficionados, cranberry sauce can be table ready in moments, shimmying its way out of the can to its final resting spot in a faux crystal dish disturbingly molded for the task. Sometimes, if the host has seen any Martha Stewart production, parsley will be added or perhaps a lettuce leaf. Nothing else is needed as clearly evidenced by the decorative rings on the cranberry roll telling diners where to make their cut. Diners should proceed with caution but the good news is that if you should drop it, it will likely bounce back to you.

Packaged Stuffing. Now seriously, how hard is it to slice bread and allow it to dry? Apparently the phrase “the greatest thing since sliced bread” has caused some to believe that the act of slicing bread requires a Ph.D or ninja-like skills. Or maybe I just don’t get it. Maybe bread made a year ago, loaded with semi-natural seasonings, and tucked away in a plastic bag is actually better? Do yourself a favor; take a pass on the bag, spend five minutes at your cutting board, and feel your soul being nourished.

Tofurky. No, I am not making this up. This is a real product. For sensitive readers please divert your eyes as I ask, “what-the furkey?” If you are a vegetarian, congratulations to you. Don’t waste your time writing me, as I can’t be converted. To borrow a line from comedian Ron White, “I didn’t make it to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.” I don’t mind vegetarians unless they’re preaching or if they are manipulating “food products” to resemble MEAT! Us omnivores/carnivores don’t mold ground meat to mimic vegetables. If you want to eat tofu, eat tofu and do it proudly (although it is best served with a sauce of ground pork and chilies).

The Detroit Lions. Thankfully, I am not much of devotee to the National Football League these days. They have long "jumped the shark" for me with their endless commentary and pre-game shows that last longer than most sporting events. Add to this an endless parade on adverts that occur seemingly at every whistle. Suffice it to say that if you were an aficionado of erectile dysfunction pill and light beer ads you would be just as entertained as true fans of the NFL. But please allow me to get back on point, which is the stinking Detroit Lions and their monopolization of Thanksgiving Day football. The Lions are the Washington Generals (search Harlem Globetrotters) of the NFL. The only possible connection is that on any given Sunday the Lions are the turkey of the league. Would someone please have the courage to stop this meaningless tradition and bring football fans a game worthy of such a great holiday?

Black Friday. I don’t need a shopping holiday to remind me that I live in one of the highest sales tax zones in the country. Pack-up the kids and get to the mall. I’ll be shopping at my computer once again. If you are not up for contact sports then you are best to keep yourself from slipping between a crazed shopper and the 50%-off table of trinkets that nobody needs.

Macy’s Parade. Is there greater evidence of the lack of collective memory in our modern culture than the Macy’s Parade? I suppose that we could insert any parade into this question. Is there anyone over the age of ten that does not get the formula by now? The only appropriate day to have a parade in Bill Murray’s Groundhog Day. Bring on the marching bands, the baton twirlers, the rescue vehicles, washed up singers, beauty queens, awful floats, clowns, inane commentary, and those creepy giant balloons. There should be a PG-13 or better warning on these scarcely tethered zeppelins of doom. The giant floating Ronald McDonald, Snoopy, Shrek, and numerous others are the things that nightmares are made of. Every year I’m waiting for one of these creatures to go Stay-Puff Marshmallow Man on the crowd of lemmings below. Oh, the humanity!

Now go forth and have yourself a wonderful holiday. Be safe - don't drink and drive - and take a moment to contemplate the meaning of Thanksgiving and be grateful for what you have even if it's not exactly what you want.